That Time of Month
by DiabloCat
Summary: The mail has arrived for the famous pair...and it's not all good! In fact, some of it's very, very disturbing...


DiabloCat: I have been a pretty much life-long fan of Star Wars (it's a family thing) and have recently amused myself by going through and reading a lot of the fanfics. And I couldn't help noticing the kind of torture poor ole Obi-Wan has to go through. That guy needs to be locked up in a padded room for his own protection! Anyway, this is how I believe the characters would react about it all.

**That Time of Month**

"Sith!"

Qui-Gon Jinn poked his head through the doorway, frowning at his padawan. "Obi-Wan! I will not have such language used."

To his surprise, Obi-Wan didn't look the least bit ashamed, which he usually did when Qui-Gon chastised him. He didn't even look up. The boy hadn't registered his Master's words at all.

Obi-Wan simply continued with what he was doing, which was shuffling through a pile of papers, a look of complete and utter disbelief on his face. Occasionally disgust or horror would put in a say as well, but disbelief seemed to be the reigning emotion.

Qui-Gon hesitated for a moment, curiosity warring with a feeling of 'I-don't-think-I-really-want-to-know'. Curiosity won hands down. "What seems to be the problem, padawan?"

"The FanFiction requests came today, Master," Obi-Wan replied absently.

Ah. So that was what was bothering the boy. Qui-Gon allowed himself a small smile as he fixed a cup of tea. His padawan seemed to have a knack for attracting the strangest – and most painful – requests from varying authors. He'd tried to tell the boy it would be better if he didn't argue with them so much, but he never really listened.

"Surely it can't be too bad," Qui-Gon commented, strolling over with his tea.

Obi-Wan shot him an incredulous look. "What? Can't be too bad? You wouldn't _believe_ what they have lined up for me this month!" He rustled through the papers, rattling off his new 'jobs'. "Thirty-two 'Kidnapped and Tortured', twenty-three 'Emotional Angst', five 'Memory Losses' and," Here he screwed up his face in disgust, "Fifty-seven 'Mushy Scenes'. I can't take this any more," he moaned.

Qui-Gon winced. His apprentice was going to have a particularly bad month. "I told you to stop arguing with them. FanFic authors can get very spiteful."

Obi-Wan raised his head from his hands long enough to glare at his Master. "Sir, with all due respect, that's bull-sith, and you know it! They'd get me even worse if I didn't refuse! You can't really expect me to accept some of these sithing proposals?"

Qui-Gon glared back. "Language, Obi-Wan! And restrain your anger. It will not help you."

Obi-Wan irritably closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I am sorry, Master. I let my feelings escape my control."

The Jedi Master nodded in appreciation. His eyes twinkled. "By the way, padawan, what 'due respect' was supposed to be in that statement?"

The boy looked up, startled, then gave a sheepish grin. "Not much I suppose. But at least there was some there, right?"

"Hmm." Qui-Gon eyed Obi-Wan contemplatively. "Perhaps. And Obi-Wan, you really should stop letting these requests get to you so much."

"Qui-Gon, I'm going to die at least nine times this month! And you know how exhausting that is."

"All too well," the Master said wryly. "But be brave, padawan. We must do our duty."

"Do our duty," Obi-Wan muttered sourly. "Sir, I think you might feel less inclined to 'do your duty' when you see what _you_ have to do this month." He tossed a couple of papers across the table.

Qui-Gon glanced down at them – and spat his mouthful of tea right back across the table. "_WHAT?_"

"Tell me about it," Obi-Wan sighed, wiping tea off his tunic.

"But this is just wrong!" Qui-Gon stared at the paper in horror. "This is completely out of character! I mean, I like you Obi-Wan, we've been through a lot together and I wouldn't want to have anyone else at my side…"

"Aw, thanks. I feel so special," Obi-Wan said dryly.

"…but this is just ridiculous! There's no way I'd ever…I mean, it's impossible…it's just wrong…I'm a Master, I can't go around taking advantage of my apprentices…and you're way too young…it's just wrong!"

"I believe there's at least twelve more just like it," Obi-Wan said. "I guess we should have expected it, Master. Remember that FanFic Characters Convention we went to? They all warned us that it would happen sooner or later."

Qui-Gon recovered somewhat from the initial shock. "Yes, they did. I suppose we have been lucky to avoid it for so long."

Obi-Wan shrugged. "They all seemed to think so. Remember how surprised they were? Every partnership gets it eventually, they said. Especially close male-male partnerships."

Qui-Gon continued to look through his collection of 'Slash' requests. He paused at another one, gagging on his tea.

"Y'know, maybe you should stop drinking that while you read the requests," Obi-Wan commented, eyeing his Master carefully for any signs of another tea bombardment.

Qui-Gon nodded weakly and put the cup down.

"So what was it this time?"

"A threesome," the Jedi Master croaked. "With Mace Windu and…" He broke off with a shudder. "…and Master Yoda."

Obi-Wan cringed. "Oh dear Force. Oh, that is very, very, very seriously wrong."

"What did we do to them?" asked Qui-Gon desperately. "This is too much above the normal levels of horror to be natural!" He suddenly eyed his padawan suspiciously. "What did you do?"

"Hey, for once it wasn't me," Obi-Wan said, crossing his arms defensively. "Even I'm not stupid enough to stir them up this much."

"Well, it didn't just happen on its own," Qui-Gon said, swiftly scanning through some others. "I may sometimes get attacked, but I'm never torn into tiny shreds by a rancor!"

"Ouch."

"I may sometimes lose control slightly - I am only human…stop smirking Obi-Wan – but I never go on a mad killing spree!"

"Nasty."

"And I may sometimes comfort you when you're in a mushy mood, but I never…"

"Please stop," interrupted Obi-Wan, who suddenly looked slightly pale. "I really don't want to think about it."

"It's just over the top!" finished Qui-Gon.

"Definitely," agreed Obi-Wan. "They usually make me out to be a complete sap, but this time I have more mental issues than a psychopathic, paranoid schizophrenic who was abused constantly as a child, watched his brothers and sisters get murdered horribly, and suffered eight violent divorces!"

Qui-Gon blinked. "Whoa."

"Not to mention I get tortured more than a…"

"Alright, you've made your point. Something must have happened."

"Did a new book come out?" suggested Obi-Wan. "That sometimes starts a whole new wave of angst."

Qui-Gon frowned. "Not that I know of, and Mace Windu usually lets me know." His eyes suddenly widened. "Mace!"

"Yeah, we should probably start carrying some. Might scare the writers off…"

"No, no, no, Mace Windu! Did you notice how he was unusually prominent in these stories?"

"Now that you mention it, yeah, he was. I mean, he's often there, but this time he was almost like a main character, and he was practically _always_ there." Obi-Wan's eyes narrowed dangerously. "It was him. He stirred them up."

"Must have," agreed the Master.

"I'm going to sithing kill him." Obi-Wan began to rise, but Qui-Gon force-pushed him back down.

"Calm yourself, Obi-Wan. Do not let your emotions get the better of you. We cannot attack someone in anger. It is against the Jedi Code."

Obi-Wan slouched back, rolling his eyes.

"But…" continued Qui-Gon, a wicked grin slowly spreading across his face. "We are perfectly within our rights to neutralise a threat."

An identical wicked grin was on Obi-Wan's face. "And I'd say Mace Windu is a serious threat, wouldn't you?"

"Most definitely."

The pair rose, and rapidly walked out the door, their voices dwindling as they raced towards Mace Windu's quarters.

"Besides Master, I doubt Yoda will mind too much when he hears about that…uh…particular 'assignment'." The voice suddenly grew thoughtful. "Well, then again, he might _want_ to…"

A loud yelp echoed through the corridor.

**The End**

DiabloCat: I don't actually have anything against Mace Windu; I just popped him in for no good reason. Hope you enjoyed it, cos I sure had a lot of fun writing it!


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